by Joseph Stoutzenberger
Here are some statistics. The Catholic Church proclaims that the family is the bedrock of civil society. However, a Pew Research study in 2015 found that only 51% of adult Catholics in the U.S. are married. You can do the math as well as I can, but it’s surprising to me that almost half of Catholics are not married. At least in Philadelphia, so much of the church’s resources go to supporting family life, especially children. For instance, there is still a robust Catholic school system in the Philadelphia Archdiocese. That costs a lot of money, focus, and energy; but it is not helping all those Catholics who are not married and have no children. It might even discourage them from feeling part of a parish. (Full disclosure: I have had children and grandchildren who attended Catholic schools, and I taught in a Catholic high school myself, so I value the work that these institutions do.) Parish bulletins likely name the principal of the school, the person in charge of religious education (of children), and perhaps a youth minister. I have yet to see a bulletin that names a parish-level person in charge of ministry to singles. I do know that there are programs for single and divorced Catholics, but those are usually not associated with a particular parish.
I mention this information about nonmarried Catholics as a reminder that in today’s world the view that the church consists of priests, nuns, and with a few exceptions married couples, no longer reflects how things are today. Reality is much more complex. Many women and men from a Catholic background live together without getting married, or they get married in a civil ceremony. (“We wanted to marry on the beach at the Jersey shore, not in a church building.”) I asked a priest friend of mine what percentage of couples who present themselves for marriage are already living together. He answered, “All of them.” And then there are same-sex couples clambering to be married while remaining part of the Catholic community. There’s a sacrament for men seeking holy orders and one for people who marry in the church, but those sacraments leave out many, perhaps the majority, of Catholics today. What expressions of holiness exist for people who are not partakers of those two sacraments?

That being said, marriage is a sacrament in Catholicism. Theologian Bernard Cooke went so far as to say that it is the quintessential sacrament because the love and commitment of the couple so clearly embodies the covenantal love of God for God’s people. A key word there is embodies. Marriage represents a union of bodies and spirit. That realization makes a positive statement about human persons as bodily, sexual beings who desire to share love and the awesome responsibility of being open to new life. The Protestant tradition does not talk about marriage as sacramental. In Catholicism, it is the one sacrament where the couple themselves are ministers of the sacrament, not a priest or deacon. There is grace that comes from a couple publicly committing themselves in love to each other. That grace is for themselves, for the possible blessing of children, and for the community at large. The church calls families “the domestic church.” If church, ecclesia in Greek, is a community of believers in Christ dedicated to carrying on his work, then Catholics who marry commit themselves to being church. Is it any wonder that some same-sex couples steeped in Catholicism want their relationship to be such a grace?
Modern families face many challenges. Some married couples spend only a couple hours together during the week and can have a weekend crammed with activities as well. Perhaps as many as a third of Catholic families are single parent families or must deal with the challenge of child rearing after divorce. Since Vatican Council II, the church has taken steps to reinforce its commitment to helping married couples thrive. Grassroots programs such as Marriage Encounter was begun to give couples an opportunity to spend a weekend together strengthening their relationship. Promoting a clearer understanding of what a sacrament is and how marriage is sacrament has helped couples understand what a wonderful, awesome statement they are making when embarking on the journey of married life together. A marriage divorced from love is not a marriage, which was not always understood sixty or one hundred years ago. (The song “Do You Love Me” from Fiddler on the Roof playfully expresses the hesitancy that many married couples had about admitting their love for each other.) However, a church is catholic only when it is a community of married, unmarried, and all those searching, in the words of St. Francis De Sales, to “be who you are, and be that perfectly well.” The Catholic Church has much work to do to make a place at the table for the diversity of people who make up contemporary society.








